The Good Side of Anti-Depressants

 Recently there has been a lot of talk. Lots of talk about gun control, lots of talk about protecting schools, but the one subject that really has been brought to light when people don't want to talk or can't agree on those things is mental health. I've heard left and right people arguing about this subject, and sadly none of it has been very positive. In fact a lot of it has been downright mean. Now I'm not saying I'm a victim, I'm not saying feel sorry for me at all, I'm saying that people are not thinking when they bring up the subject of mental health, and they need to start. 

 One of the things that has hit me the hardest is the link between extremely violent behavior such as school shootings and prescription anti-psychotic or anti-depressant drugs. Some of the drugs listed being drugs like Prozac, Paxil, and some lesser known drugs like Saphris and Risperdal. These have been linked to people involved in mass shootings, suicides, homicides and other violent behavior. People post blogs and spread news about the sad state of the mental health system, and why someone could possibly be on these medications, and that it is the medications fault for these tragic events.

 I am on 3 out of 4 of those medications.

 Does that make me a person prone to violent behavior? Does that make me someone who's one day going to snap and go on a mass murdering rampage? I don't think so. People tend to think that there are only a few weird side effects from these drugs, but still they push for better medication, or more medication. Sadly they don't think about what else people who are taking these pills are dealing with, or the amount of pressure and stress, because believe it or not, it does more then make people violent. So before you just brush off the next person who is mentally ill and suggest they need to simply be better medicated, here are a few side effects of Prozac, one of the most commonly prescribed anti-depressants:

• Dizziness
• Drowsiness
• Involuntary quivering
• Nervousness
• Anxiety
• Abnormal dreams
• Loss of appetite
• Feeling weak
• Indigestion
• Throat irritation
• Headache
• Agitation

 That is a small list of a possible 83 side effects of one medication. Now do you know why these people snap?

 I am no doctor, I am just one person who suffers from Bipolar Disorder. The difference between me and the people who have snapped is that I got the help I needed. They were on the same medication I am on now, the same medications that I take daily. Even though I list these terrible side effects, and it sounds like I'm not a fan of the medication, I'm actually one of their biggest advocates. It doesn't mean that its easy to get better though, in fact, it's one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

 For me, I have to go to a specialist every two weeks, I have to fill out paperwork every time about how I'm sleeping, how I'm eating, and what my concerns are. I have to take time out of my day to drive 30 minutes to meet with someone for 5 minutes just so they can ask me how the meds are working and if I am having any suicidal or violent thoughts, and then I drive all the way back home. Does it feel like a waste of time? Yes it does, but I do it. Every month I have to go get blood work done to make sure everything is where it needs to be, again, it feels like a colossal waste of time, but I do it.  Would I be able to take these medications without meeting with my psychiatrist? Absolutely not. I would probably snap. 

 I can not stress enough how dangerous it is to be taking these medications without meeting with a doctor consistently. People complain about how these doctors hand out anti-depressants like candy, and that leads to problems, but what the real problem is, is that these people are not going through the proper channels to get help. The most frustrating thing is that no one talks about it, because mental illness, counseling and things along those lines is such a taboo subject. People with Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, etc.  are not getting help because they are afraid to ask, because the second it comes up it is linked to some mass murder. How do I know this? Because it happened to me, it has happened to people I know. So why do people do it? 

 So stop now. Stop grouping all these sick people who committed these horrible crimes with people who are looking right now to get help. The countries mental health system is broken because of people who keep linking these drugs to murders, who see nothing but statistics and don't look at the cases like mine where I have been allowed a normal life. Stop looking at the numbers and the people who were unfortunately not helped in time before tragedy struck. Start looking at what can be done, guide the people you know need help to counselors, doctors, and don't leave them hanging out on their own with no guidance. Be a support system to all the mentally ill out there, not someone showing them how much crime and violence is caused.

There is good to these medications. I am severely Bipolar and I have a normal and happy life. I have my ups and downs, but it is managed by the care of my doctors, medication and my support system. 

I'm allowed a great life, isn't everyone?

 

  

The Hardest Step is the First One

 It has been a very long time since I have posted anything. I will be the first to admit, life happened, I got swamped and this blog was the last thing on my mind. Over the last month though I have had a few friends approach me about the blog, either asking about it, or saying how they missed reading it. So I waited a few days and waited for some sort of inspiration to hit until I started up again. Because as busy as life has been, writing is still a very therapeutic tool and little did I know, my writing was reaching people I wasn't aware of. So listen up, this ones for you and a few others that I know.

 Mental illness can be a devastating journey. It can also be a lonely journey if you let it. For some reason people think that they need to withhold their thoughts and feelings, their fears and insecurities. They think that they can tough it out and in some cases, like in my case, not that long ago, they try to pretend that nothing is wrong with them. This is probably the most self destructive path that you can take. I'm not a doctor, or a therapist, all I can tell you is my own experience and how it almost destroyed me. Take it or leave it.

If this blog sounds more preachy and pushy then others, it's because it is meant to be. I know the people that are out there that need to hear the non-sugar coated version of this and I'm sure that they are not the only ones.

 I don't like sounding like a broken record because I'm sure you have heard it all before. So let me just tell you what I had to do to get over my own demons and get to the point I'm at now, and hopefully you will hear something new. I had to stop self medicating, I had to stop lying to myself. I had to put down the over the counter sleep aids and pain pills and go get professional help. Not only that, but I had to be honest with them. If I told them lies I got treated for the lies I was telling. I didn't want to tell the nice doctor I was hearing voices, or having suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to look weird or appear abnormal. That reasoning seems more and more ridiculous to me every time I hear it, because the only person I was hurting was myself. 

 Once I was finally honest and got the help I needed I could finally see my support group. Friends and family that flocked around or sent encouraging messages, people I thought didn't care what I had to say were suddenly by my side eagerly waiting to hear how I was doing. If you get one little blip from this blog, just one sentence, get this:

You can't do it alone, but you have to take the first step.

You can't get better by people telling you to see a doctor, you can't get better by people saying you need help. They can say it all they want, they can push you all they want, my point is that I didn't get better until I got out of bed and walked myself into a doctors office. Words are just words, loving support is impossible to see until you take that first step, and believe me, I know more than most that the first step is the hardest. 

 So take it from someone who has been there and continues to be there, the longer you take to get the help you need the longer you are going to suffer. It's as simple as that. If you want to keep suffering alone, that is your choice. Just know that there is a happier and better life that you can have if you just take that first step and stop being stubborn. 

 I am so grateful for the loving friends and family that I have, I couldn't see it before because of the fog that bipolar disorder causes, the anxiety and the stress that it caused. It took me a long time to get there, and I'm still working on it. But I love my life. I don't suffer from Bipolar disorder, I live with it. It doesn't own me, I own it. That's how I live my life.

It's just one step.

Exercise for the Body and the Mind

 Recently I went on a new health kick. No fast food, no soda, no anything that would require me to workout for another hour the next day. I've been loving it. It brings my mood up, and I feel healthier already. Its only day four of this diet and exercise and I am feeling rejuvenated. On the other hand, it's only day four and there have been times where I want to quit and go have a Big Mac.

 Exercise can be rewarding and frustrating at the same time, but we all know that in the end it's good for us. I'm not telling you anything new though, we have all heard the same facts about diet and exercise. For me and my routine, I keep in mind three simple rules:

1. Don't eat it, if you know you will regret it later.
2. It's OK to have a small dessert once a week, no need to punish yourself.
3. Quit whining and workout already, you know you will feel better.

 So those are the rules I've given myself to start, and so far it has been working. No counting carbs, no weighing foods. Just good old fashioned common sense.

 Since the medication makes me gain weight I can't think about weight loss as a goal. I try to think of exercise more as a way to calm myself. No matter what doctors tell you about medication, it's not going to cure everything, you need other tools. That is why they want me continuing counseling and medication management and so on. When I told them I was exercising again they were ecstatic, all they could say was to keep going. That to me is saying something. That with a healthy diet, a good workout, and medication, people with anxiety or depression can have a happy functioning life.

 I know there will come a point though that it will not be enough, that I will hit that low point of my high/low mood swings and I just will not have the energy to keep up my routine. So I did some research and I found this amazing book by two PhD's Micheal W. Otto and Jasper A.J. Smits. I only read the first couple of chapters but I am already amazed at their insight of anxiety and depression.

I can't wait to read the rest of this. I feel like it will be a great tool for me to use when I hit that low. Honestly everyone could use a guide for when they feel a little less like themselves. No one likes to feel that way, and what better way to get out of a slump than to get up and take a jog. Or get a kinect or Wii and buy one of their workout games. I have a kinect, now I don't have an excuse on a rainy day not to work out.

 I don't have to tell you how important good diet and exercise is for the body and how it can affect the mind in the most soothing way, just go out there and experience it yourselves. And for the times when you don't think you can keep it up, just remember, we've all been there. You can accomplish what you started, and you can keep going.

The Healing Power of Animals

Dogs are mans best friend for a reason. They are loyal, they are friendly, and they love you unconditionally. People need to be more like dogs, in the sense that loving people no matter what goes on, seems to be their life focus. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone loved us regardless of the mistakes we made or the stupid things we say. I know I would enjoy life a lot more.

So we invested a part of our lives in another dog. As much as I love our other dog Odin, he really took to my husband instead. Every time he entered the room Odin's attention would go to him. I know that Odin loves me, just not as much as he loves my husband. He is a daddy's boy. So we went to the shelter and looked around for a few hours and found a Pomeranian mix that kept calling my attention. As soon as I picked her up she clung to me like I was her best friend in the world. She didn't do that for anyone else in the room. We knew that we had to take her home with us, and we did. We named her Freyja. (Pronounced Fray-yah)

 The reason why we got another dog was that I was feeling a little bit lonely and I needed something or someone to keep me calm and take my mind off of feeling trapped in the house, since what I do mostly is housework. I don't have a job to go to, and my husband sleeps during the day because of his graveyard shift, so I spend most of the day by myself. Odin really isn't a sit down kind of dog either. Freyja on the other hand spends her day on my lap or curled up on my shoulder. 

 I am on a mission. To make Freyja a service dog, I don't know how I am going to do it or even if I can, but I will try. I can't go to the store alone, I can't even stop at the gas station to fill my car by myself. My anxiety gets so bad I will turn around and drive 5 miles back to the house instead of step into the grocery store by myself. I know that people have prescriptions to take their dogs into the store with them, I just don't know how. So my first step is to talk to my counselor about it. I figure they would know what to do since they went to school for people with this kind of disorder right?

 People may laugh at the idea of bringing a dog along with you to run daily tasks, but the research on owning an animal is amazing. There are books and studies all over the place that proves that just having an animal around helps lower blood pressure, lessen anxiety, and just the cure that I needed, help loneliness. Maybe I can even lower the amount of medication I take a day if I have Freyja with me to control my anxiety. 

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1295517/pdf/jrsocmed00117-0023.pdf

http://www.acsu.buffalo.edu/~kmallen/AllenPresence.pdf

These two studies, while inconclusive, shows you how it can change peoples lives and stress levels. It was enough of a study to allow people to get prescriptions for their pets. The fact that my husband has told me, in the last three days we have owned Freyja, I look more relaxed when I hold her, that my face lights up. That tells me something. It tells me that owning a pet is good for me, that it is having an affect on my health.

 While owning a pet is not for everyone, I just know how it affects my life and I share it with you. Watch a friend or family members pet while they are gone for vacation, notice the difference it has on you. Instead of getting a pure breed, go to your local rescue shelter and save an animal. We did with both of our dogs and we could not be happier. The amount of gratitude they have for you shows, and they will love you forever for giving them a good home. 

 When you find the right pet for you, they will be loyal, loving companions as long as they live and sometimes as long as you live. They are there for the good and bad of life and never falter when life gets really tough and you feel like giving up. They will be there always to curl up next to you and be that loving companion you need. That is something that medicine just can not do.

Denise R.

Love Roller Coasters: The Bipolar Marriage

One year is a big milestone for a lot of married couples now. It's sad to say, but in the last few years divorces have skyrocketed and fewer and fewer people stay married or even choose to get married in the first place. It's a different generation and the majority of people, at least that I have talked to, look as marriage as either a chore, or something they don't even want to bother with because it's overrated. Granted, there are those few great marriages that you want to see last forever. I do know a couple of those.

 I love my marriage.

 I even gave that sentence its own space because I think that is an important point to get across. As my one year anniversary approaches quickly (as in tomorrow) I definitely find myself reflecting on the ups and downs of the last year. Happily I can say they were mostly ups. I don't feel right discussing private and sacred things such as a marriage online no matter how people view marriage. I won't go into details, but  all I can say is that it is hard, especially when dealing with Bipolar Disorder. It takes effort from both people. I know that all marriages take work, but I especially appreciate my husband for all the work that he does.

 Through all the ups and downs and the roller coaster that is a marriage with someone who has Bipolar Disorder, my husband has to be the most patient man in the world. At least I think so. Marriages fail all the time because people can't handle the emotional upsets and financial difficulty that comes with dealing with Bipolar Disorder. I would like to think that my marriage can survive because of the person my husband is. A patient loving man who knew what he was getting into before he even married me.

This is a great article I read on webMD that discusses marriage and Bipolar Disorder. http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/bipolar-romantic-relationships-dating-and-marriage

All I can say now is how excited I am to spend my one year anniversary away at a quiet Inn at the beach with my wonderfully supportive husband. Here is to another year of happiness and to the hope that all marriages can happily survive all the years.

Denise R.

Interviews, Work Issues and...discrimination?

 I had a job interview today for a nanny position. It seemed to go well besides the fact I was still feeling a little groggy from medication the night before and the lack of sleep that sometimes comes with it. My anxiety kept me up all through the night and it continued into the interview. Wonderful.

 Through my whole stammering and stuttering (which, pre-meds I was a lot more articulate) I managed to get through it in one piece. Then I went through the "Oh God, what could I have done better?" stage. You don't have to be Bipolar to feel that part of a post job interview. If you do have Bipolar disorder it is hard to feel like you fit in with the rest of the crowd, because that's part of it right? The poor me-I can't stand this, it's too hard, I have no control. Those constant nagging voices inside your head that make it impossible to think? You know what I'm talking about.

 It feels like people think your a freak and avoid you like the plague. Worse though is trying to get a job with the weight of a mental disorder on your shoulders. You think people want to hire a nanny who is Bipolar? I don't think so. Does it affect how well I do my job? Absolutely not.  In fact I think its a plus to some of the more creative and fun activities I have done with kids since I have an attention span as long as theirs. Here is the most important question though; Do I have to tell employers that I have a mental condition?

 The answer is no.
 
The law places strict limits on employers when it comes to asking job applicants to answer medical questions, take a medical exam, or identify a disability. For example, an employer may not ask a job applicant to answer medical questions or take a medical exam before extending a job offer. An employer also may not ask job applicants if they have a disability (or about the nature of an obvious disability). An employer may ask job applicants whether they can perform the job and how they would perform the job, with or without a reasonable accommodation.

 This is straight from the Americans with Disabilities Act. You can read the whole thing here.
http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/disability.cfm

Even after you are hired there is still an extremely strict guideline on what employers can ask you to do as it pertains to your job and your mental illness. You wouldn't have to tell an employer that you have ADD or ADHD or even PTSD. All extremely emotional mental disorders. So why would you have to tell an employer about any other mental disorder? That includes Bipolar disorder.

 If your disorder is affecting your job go see your doctor. Your employer CAN NOT ask you what it is about, the only thing that you need is a piece of paper from the doctor saying you have been seen and that you are fit for the job. No employer can rightfully fire you after that. Do the research, see for yourself. There are tons of online resources to help you, because we are not a book researching age anymore, everyone is online.
 
  Granted, after all that, the employer does not have to hire you if they don't think you are right for the job, sometimes people just don't do well enough to impress the interviewer. This article  http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/coping-with-work-issues-and-bipolar-disorder/all/1/ goes into better detail then I can in one blog. Read it, learn from it. There is a lot of good information about maintaining good job interviews and jobs. Hopefully we can all learn how to better cope with the undeniable stress of being on the job search.

Denise R.

The difference between "Manic" and "Normal"

  Two weeks ago I was diagnosed officially with Bipolar disorder, also known as Manic-Depressive disorder. I've always been blunt and to the point, but I feel that it will help especially in this blog. The whole point of this blog is not to talk about myself the whole time and the frustrations I have with the somewhat callous doctors, but the point is to share. While some of my daily life will be posted, mostly this blog will be research to the everyday things in life that can bring comfort to a sometimes disturbing world.

  I know I am not alone in this, I am not the only person who goes from having a perfectly fine day to being so angry I want to smash something against the wall. Or going from depression to so much anxiety I can't breathe, all within a matter of days, sometimes hours, even minutes. I know that there are other people out there that have felt the same way I have, that have had the same frustrations I have. Especially while I go from doctor to doctor and session to session I know that people have had the same questions I have. Why can't I feel normal?

 What is normal anyway? Isn't it normal to get angry over someone cutting you off in traffic, or crying when someone hurts your feelings? It was normal to me that I screamed when I was driving and got lost and that I panicked whenever I thought someone didn't like our conversation. Apparently that part isn't normal though.

 The manic phase may last from days to months. It can include the following symptoms:

• Easily distracted
• Little need for sleep
• Poor judgment
• Poor temper control
• Reckless behavior and lack of self control
• Very elevated mood
  • Excess activity (hyperactivity)
  • Increased energy
  • Racing thoughts
  • Talking a lot
  • Very high self-esteem (false beliefs about self or abilities)
• Very involved in activities
• Very upset (agitated or irritated)

 This is from the U.S National Library of Medicine folks. And that is about half of it. That doesn't include the depressed phase. There is just too much to put in one blog. You can read all of it here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001924/

   I have had one medication after another pushed on me, and I'm told by one person after another that "this behavior is not normal." These stages of racing thoughts and changing moods though, these "Manic" stages felt just like they were supposed to feel to me. Normal. I'm finding that it is just the opposite, that there is supposed to be control over these feelings, and apparently its an art to get the medication right because I've been a guinea pig for the last two weeks. 


 Like I said, you can read all the information in books or online, but until you have lived through it or lived with someone who has it, those medical reports are just as callous as the doctors. There is so much more struggle and emotions then what they put in bullet lists. All I hope to accomplish here is a place where people can grasp a better understanding of what Bipolar disorder is. A place where there is learning and especially to the people I know who have this disorder, a place where you don't feel like a crazy person.
  
 Though society treats it as such, it is not fair to be judged for something you have no control over. There are tools out there that you can use as a resource, the things that doctors don't tell you about, because lets face it, at the end of the day, the majority of them just want a paycheck. So I plan to post anything I find that helps me get through the day, and get through a world that has for the most part become hard and judgmental. Sometimes even the smallest bit of information you have to grasp onto is all you really need to sleep at night.


-Denise R.